How are you doing?
I am perfect.
The only challenge I was facing was a lack of meat in my diet. 21 days had passed without a chicken being slaughtered for the pleasure of my taste buds. Fortunately, that spell broke yesterday, and finally, I relished the taste of an innocent bird raised on a farm, with a so-called family and a small tribe of like-minded birds.
Let’s call this bird, “Neo.”
Neo was a bright chick. He was curious.
Neo had a good life. He was cared for by the farm owners and his family. He was admired for his intelligence among his community.
However, there was something that bothered Neo and gave him sleepless nights. He often wondered what happened to the adults. Every week few of the grownups were taken away by the farm owners, and they never came back. Whenever Neo enquired, he received contradicting answers. Somebody told him that the adults are sent to a better spacious farm. Another chick said to him that the adults were misogynists and adulterers, therefore they were being sent to a reeducation camp. Neo doubted all these explanations as he feared that something might be terribly wrong with this joyous and comfortable community.
Finally, the judgment day arrived. Neo was an adult now. He looked magnificent and weighed 2.4 kilos, ideal for slaughter. The farm owners came and took Neo away in a black truck. Neo’s heart was thumping louder than the vehicle’s engine noise. Finally, the vehicle stopped in front of an establishment called Freshos.
Neo was horrified to see different bird parts displayed on the establishment’s wall with adjectives such as –
Succulent Chicken Breasts
For the first time in his life, Neo experienced the truth. He realized that he was nothing more than food for humans. His first reaction was to fly away, but he knew he couldn’t. He was immediately placed in a small cage and kicked off on a slaughter ramp. Neo remembered his gods and asked for forgiveness. He closed his eyes and requested God to spare his family a similar fate. In the middle of his prayer, a pair of hands grabbed his neck and slashed it with a fine cut.
Finally, a few hours later, Neo’s succulent breasts were lying on a frying pan, and I was sprinkling salt and black pepper on it for taste.
Well, so there’s that.
Now, a lot of you would be wondering why I shared this story with you.
Few of you would be feeling awful for Neo, and many of you baffled about the significance of this story.
Well, this was just a gentle reminder that life is short. In the end, you will also lie, fortunately not on somebody’s plate (I do not entirely deny this possibility) but either 6 feet beneath the ground or on a fire bed. If you belong to a superior civilization, you might be sent off to meet your gods, in a water canoe and eaten by fish instead after vultures feast on your vital organs.
So, so far, we have established that life is short, and you are a stupid puppet in a complicated cycle of events that you can only interpret on your death bed like Neo.
Great, so now that we are on the same page, let’s talk about what you should do, now that you are doomed to stay inside your homes, and your incompetent government has no respite to offer you.
I have 101 things which you must do in the coming weeks to make your homestay exciting and fruitful. I will share 15 of them today.
Before that five things you must not do –
- Do not beat your wife and kids – I understand that beating the shit out of your kid is therapeutic and kicking a woman might be empowering for you, however, if you can try other ways to channelize your violent outbursts, it would be better for you, else who knows, maybe accidentally your wife slices your throat while shaving you. Accidents happen, you know!
- Do not cheat on your partner – The most liberating feeling is infidelity. If you were in an affair before the lockdown, you might miss your secondary partner now that you are locked only with your primary partner. But if you are caught cheating in such critical times, things can get way heated, and both of you would still be beneath the same roof with nowhere else to go. Therefore, cheating might not be a good idea at the moment. I am not asking you to practice loyalty. It’s alright. It’s your life. Do as you please. Win an award in debauchery for all I care, but for now, suspend your affairs. You can get back to your steamy, raunchy, false hope once the world is back on track. It’s not that difficult. Give it a try!
- Do not attempt to fool your Boss – Now, this is coming from a personal wound. A lot of you working from home are under the assumption that your boss is an idiot, and you can just pretend that you are working and things will work out for you. Well, unfortunately, your boss isn’t an idiot, or else he wouldn’t be signing your paychecks. These are tough times for businesses worldwide, and the least you can do is pull your weight, or else soon enough, you might be without a job.
- Do not spend more than 30 minutes on social media – Social Media is a toxic addiction. If you get in the habit of consuming social media content, either you will be filled with hatred, resentment, and anxiety, or you will get stuck in an endless loop of scrolling through feeds and tapping on stories whenever you feel a little low. At the same time, governments all across the globe are using COVID-19 as an opportunity to monitor your social media and related activities. You could be a right-winger, a leftist, or a neutral, but none of you would do better if you land under a government scanner. If you have doubts, remember Neo, the chicken. In the end, you are Neo, and the government is an institution in the business of peddling lies.
- Do not spread hatred – A lot many of you are losers, which is alright, there is always a population of losers in every community. It is not something to be ashamed of. You people create the bottom so that legends like us can get to the top. So I respect losers also! Now, some of you might be a Trump supporter and hate immigrants and Muslims, a lot of you would be Modi supporters and hate Muslims and Dalits; well it is okay, I understand the phenomenon. People who live unfulfilled life are filled with hatred and resentment for others because that helps them not to hate themselves. So you can continue hating, however, at least in these times of crisis, try and take a break because you could die tomorrow and so could your family from respiratory diseases. Do you really want your last thought to be that a Chinese Virus killed you and Tablighi Jamat infected you? These toxic thoughts will kill you before any illness does. So take a break from hate.
Awesome, so we are done with things you should not do during the COVID-19 crisis.
15 things you must do during COVID-19 crisis:
- Wake up early – Before you yell at me, give me a chance to explain. I realize you may not be in the habit of waking up early, and now due to inactivity and binge-watching, you sleep around 3-4 am. Why on earth will you wake up early? Here, read this –
- Meditate daily – Meditation is essential to stay sane in these challenging times. A lot of you would be struggling with mental diseases and issues, life could be chaotic without proper support and medication. Practice daily meditation to stay on top of your mental health.
- Exercise Daily – And I see a sinister gleam in your eyes. I know what you are going to say, you excuse laden sissy. Well, even if the gym is closed and going to the park is risky, you can exercise indoors. Yes, you heard it right. Climb stairs, do burpees, do crunches, do squats, do chin-ups, do push-ups, there’s so much you can do inside. Move Motherfucker!
- Brush your teeth – You might give in to the temptation of nihilism and argue with yourself that there isn’t a good reason now to brush your teeth….. Well, buddy, there’s something called personal hygiene. You brush your teeth, you shampoo your hair, and you trim your nails. Be a good boy! Don’t be a bad dog.
- Eat healthy – Once the lockdown is over, you won’t enjoy your pot belly. Stop eating junk and processed food. Read this.
- Read books – Enough doing cursory reading of blogs and articles, get real, read books.
- Connect with people – Posting status on social media is okay if you are a dim-witted person, however, if you want a real life, talk to people, talk to friends, relatives, and co-workers. Speaking to people keeps your sanity intact and will also help reduce anxiety.
- Dedicate specific time slots for shows/movies – You cannot spend entire days binge-watching unless you have tons of weed and endless pizza delivery, therefore, plan your day and do not dedicate more than 1-2 hours consuming entertainment.
- Masturbate – It is alright, nobody will judge you! You can masturbate twice a month, it’s normal.
- Sleep well – Do not cut or exceed your sleep duration. Sound sleep governs your mood. If you sleep less or more, chances are you will be irritable the entire day. You don’t want that, do you?
- Plan a video date – There’s an old Indian song – “Zinda rehne ke liye Teri Kasam, Ek mulakat zaruri hai Sanam” (To stay alive, I must see you!) Well, well, well, you got Video Call feature. Go for a video date. Going outside might kill you, but trust me, staying inside won’t.
- Invest in yourself – You wanted to play guitar, learn to code, learn Photoshop, write, create your page…. You never did all that claiming you didn’t have time. Well, now you have. Do your shit!
- Get your finance in order – Now you cannot overspend, consider this a blessing, and use your funds wisely. Pay off all those high-interest credit cards and be debt-free.
- Clean your room – Nothing is more critical than a tidy house. If your room is in order, your home will be in order, and your life will be in order. Grab that broom and get started.
- Help others – If there is a day when you really feel, you have nothing to do, be a volunteer. Countless people are suffering in misery, help others, and feel better. Nothing can beat the feeling of being of assistance to someone in need.
That will be all for today!
Leave a comment about how you will spend this lockdown and win a Rs 2000 amazon voucher. Winners will be announced on 3rd May. Cheers!
(Contest open for Indian Citizens only, but you can still comment.)